I recently embarked on a new journey with my partner of almost seven years. After we finally felt like we’ve reached a point in our lives that we can consider starting a family, we dove right into the whole process not knowing exactly what to expect. I’m sharing some of our journey here as a resource to others since it was not at all what we were expecting. In fact, it’s been kind of a nightmare.
Most LGBTQ+ couples considering a family end up seeking care at a fertility clinic even if there are no known fertility issues. Same-sex women couples have a few options of who will carry, where the sperm comes from, and which partner’s eggs (or both) they’ll be using to conceive. Same-sex men couples will need to either find an egg donor and/or a surrogate to carry the baby. (Please note: I didn’t use male/female here since that changes the biological dynamic.) Surrogacy is incredibly expensive if done through an agency and not all surrogates are willing to carry for a same-sex couple. Also, something to note we’ve discovered in this process, surrogacy contracts in the state of AZ are actually illegal… even for heterosexual couples. These policies are very, very outdated and no one has ever done anything to change them. (hint, hint). I’m also fairly certain that a man who sexually assaults a woman (and a child results from it) has more parental rights to said child than I would have had to my own genetic child my partner carried. Here’s a list of things you should sort out before starting on your journey.
- Sperm donor
If you’re using a friend as the donor, know there could be complicated legal battles ahead. I know you trust your friend and he would never do anything to take your child away, but it’s best to work with a lawyer to clearly define parental rights in the case of a known donor. Side note: I’m not a licensed attorney and this is not legal advice, but I’ve learned so much in this process that I would be terrified to not encourage at least a consultation. Using a sperm bank provides a ton of extra benefits like STD testing, genetic testing, different donor types (open, closed, etc.), and clearly defined parental rights. It’s expensive and you should expect to spend a few thousand dollars to plan adequately and for multiple children. Buy enough for all children at the same time and store it with the sperm bank to avoid having to use different donors.
- Fertility clinic
Not all fertility clinics are created equal. We found out the hard way that there are some that won’t truly work with same-sex couples. They have a list of excuses (usually legal) as to why they can’t work with you. One even required a ridiculous step of making my partner become a surrogate first to carry our own child. According to our lawyer, her becoming a surrogate or being referred to as the “gestational carrier” could imply that she will have no involvement with the child after the birth. Ask them up front if they’re willing to work with same-sex couples and what additional steps are needed to receive care. Here’s a list of practices we did talk to and have vetted them to be safe for same-sex couples: ACFS, AZARH, Bloom, Southwest Fertility
- Legal counsel
Same sex parents have an endless legal battle ahead of them… even if they’re married. Both names on the birth certificate do not guarantee equal parental rights. I can’t stress this enough. Arizona is at least progressive enough to offer a birth certificate with parent in both fields instead of just mother and father. Talk with a lawyer before you start your family planning so you know what to expect along the way. They’ll likely want to review consents from the fertility clinic, sperm donor contracts, and will prepare paperwork for different steps along the way. The only thing that will guarantee parental rights is completing an adoption. If you’re unmarried, second parent or step parent adoption is not an option in Arizona, so you’ll have to travel to Florida to complete that process and bring back the paperwork to get a new birth certificate issued with both parents on it. Crazy, I know, but legal protections are the most important thing to ensure your new little family is safe. Heather Strickland is a phenomenal lawyer in southern AZ and I highly recommend her for anything relating to LBGTQ+ family planning. There are also some legal things to consider along the way like what happens to frozen embryos in the event of divorce or death. More things to think about ahead of time.
- Budget a lot
Fertility coverage is not offered on many employer’s insurance policies, so expect to shell out a lot of cash to get your family started. IVF, especially reciprocal IVF, is the most expensive and can cost upwards of $15-20k for one cycle and it doesn’t guarantee success. IUI is also an option if one partner is able to carry and there is not a need to retrieve eggs for any reason. Most fertility clinics offer discounted packages for a lot of the services. And there are also some grant programs out there that also support same-sex couples. The meds for IVF will run between $4-8k per cycle, but there is an income-based program available to help if you qualify.
- Don’t forget why you’re doing this
It’s really easy to get lost in the process of trying to start a family. IVF is time consuming and requires a lot of patience, focus, and support from the people around you. Trying to conceive as a same-sex couple is so incredibly stressful. Don’t forget to support each other and check in along the way. Take a trip together. Celebrate the wins even if they’re tiny. Cry if you need to.
This is a very basic guide to family planning, but I wanted to share for others out there considering options. We’ve documented the process on @becomingmamas on Instagram, so feel free to follow along!
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